Sam
and Mr. Dog are in cahoots.
The
unexpected is my norm.
Sam
is Houdini. He can defeat any lock and escape through a crack.
He
is also a human tape recorder. If I don't want it repeated, never say it
ever within his hearing. Not even once.
Mr.
Dog is also Houdini. He can defeat any lock and escape through a crack.
Fortunately he does not repeat what I say.
If I
don't unpack my overnight bag immediately, Mr. Dog will find my bra, eat half
and wear the other half as a party hat.
Hide
all men’s underwear. Mr. Dog eats men's underwear.
Sam
knows the very second I stop watching. He will use this to his advantage in
ways that defy imagination. Yes, Mr. Dog knows this, too and is equally
creative.
Though
I crave it, though I am tempted to enjoy it, quiet is my enemy. Always
investigate when the house grows too quiet.
The
minute I leave the room, Sam will escape to the neighbor’s house. I will find
him sitting in his underwear (worn backwards) watching their TV. On more formal
occasions, he will also wear a tee shirt.
Be
prepared. Mr. Dog thinks the beach is a giant toilet. Urinating in front
of a crowd is just fun. Pooping on the departure ramp of a ferryboat as
hundreds disembark is even more fun.
Sam
has amazing hearing. He can hear a candy wrapper open three states away. He
will lunge for that candy across a canyon if necessary.
I am
not expected to attend the secret parties that Sam throws in the middle of the
night. I am only needed to rinse the empty ice cream bowls in the morning for
use the following night.
If I
leave my Facebook account unattended, strange posts will appear.
Pronouns
will be the death of me: When Sam passes gas he will most certainly announce
"You pooped." His voice will punctuate the room and everyone will
look.
Ditto
burping.
The
minute I brag about Sam, Murphy's Law will strike and he will do something
dreadful.
Sam
will periodically wake me at 4 AM to remind me he is not a vampire.
Mr.
Dog loves to eat laundry. Clean will do; dirty is preferable. The doorbell will
ring and Mr. Dog will greet the visitor with underwear hanging from his mouth.
If
something doesn't smell right, investigate. This is applies to both Sam and Mr.
Dog.
The
best place to take a nap or recline is on my freshly ironed dress laid on my
bed. Just ask Sam and Mr. Dog.
Mr.
Dog eats plants. Mr. Dog eats anything. Mr. Dog will eventually eat the entire
house one piece at a time.
Mr.
Dog is blessed with a powerful nose and can smell an ancient crumb of food 5
miles away.
Mr.
Dog thinks the beach is a seafood buffet. He will eat vast quantities of wet
sand and puke. He will not puke outside. He will wait until he gets inside the
house. Preferably on a carpet.
The
doggie poop bag will refuse to open at the worst moments.
If I yell, "Jesus Christ!" while driving because
someone cut me off, the world will know. Sam will repeat to everyone for
several weeks, "Mommy yelled: Chezets Christ!"
Mr.
Dog stalks power cords. He will carefully select the most expensive one and
chew it in half.
Do
not brag about how easy it has been to housebreak Mr. Dog. He will urinate on
the most expensive carpet within 2 hour of said statement. Guaranteed.
Be
prepared. Pants fall down (and I do mean fall down) at the most inopportune
moments. Ditto bathing suits.
The
front of my shirt can double as a napkin. Or tissue. Or whatever.
No
matter how many dog toys I buy, Mr. Dog still thinks the scrub brush for your
toilet is a chew toy.
Sam
will leave the refrigerator and/or freezer door open on the hottest day of
summer. On the bright side, my kitchen is cooler.
Mr.
Dog is blessed with a shrill whine that will wake the dead. He will use this
gift most effectively at 5:10 AM.
Sam
will only flush the toilet when a giant roll of toilet paper has fallen in. The
toilet will then flood.
Rain on an otherwise clear day = investigate.
Odds are the bathtub is overflowing and it is "raining" down the
ceilings.
It's
always "Dancin' time" somewhere.
If
my face is in the same zip code as Mr. Dog's, he will find a way to lick it.
Tennis
matches include a celebratory dance. Sometimes there is an accompanying song.
Do
not leave discarded dryer lint unattended. Mr. Dog will chew it until it is
disgusting and soggy and spit it out like used tobacco. I will step on it,
barefoot.
It
is fun to push a hassock with wheels down a flight of stairs and watch it roll
past an unexpected victim.
If I think, "Sam would never do
that!" in a haughty manner,
odds I am right. He will instead do something far worse.
My
muffin will be eaten by Sam or Mr. Dog. Likely by both the moment I look away.
Mr.
Dog's idea of nirvana includes sniffing another dog's butt.
Sam
will ask if I am wearing underwear the second a crowded room grows silent.
Everyone will stare at me waiting for the answer.
If a
towel is on the counter wet and you do not know how it became wet, do not use
it. I repeat. DO NOT USE IT. Trust me on this.
Be
afraid of door number three. No matter how much you are tempted, don't open it.
Mr.
Dog will sometimes smell like, well, a dog. Sam may at times smell worse. Those
smells will merge on my shirt and I will smell like Eau de Peuw.
Any sentence beginning with the words, "Janet, you need
to see this." will not end well.