Learning to bend

We were in the company of a young man around Sam’s age one day this summer. We didn’t know his story – our paths were only destined to cross that one time.  At first glance it appeared his skill set was more advanced than Sam’s – he had the gift of language.

It became clear the young man’s needs were great. His communication skills were not enough to get him through an unfamiliar environment and a change in plans. While Sam needed supports, at this moment this young man needed more. We accommodated by asking Sam to be patient and let the young man go ahead of us. We asked Sam to tolerate noise that would have otherwise been a challenge.

Though he hasn’t had much practice, Sam was able to bend for a peer that day. He waited patiently and showed empathy, asking if the young man was OK, trying to pat his shoulder. I was proud of Sam’s generous spirit. I was glad he wanted to help.

Over the years, we've expected others to make accommodations for Sam hundreds upon hundreds of times. It got me to thinking how much we live y our own world not realizing how much we ask of those around us. I like to think each offer of patience provided the grace notes Sam needed to develop the coping skills he used to accommodate this young man.

It also reminded me the world isn’t only about us; the world can’t only revolve round Sam’s needs. It is important for Sam to learn to bend and to give back – even if only a little. That’s what community is about, each of us doing what we can to ensure the success of one another.

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Hey Dude

“Hey, Dude. Hey, Dude. Dude! Hey, Dude. Wait your turn. Don’t cut the line! “

It took a moment for me to realize those words were directed at us, more specifically, Sam. I looked up to see Sam pushing through the crowd to board the Steamship Fast Ferry bound for Nantucket. In Sam’s mind, the only thing between him and his laptop was finding a seat on that boat. Those ahead of us were of no concern.

“Hey, Dude!” I heard again with a sigh of frustration.

“Sam,” I called. “Stop! Get back here. Now!” I turned to the man and said, “Sorry. I wasn’t paying attention. Dude over there is autistic and doesn’t know you’re talking to him.” The man instantly apologized, “Oh. I am so sorry! I didn’t know.” 

“How would you?” I countered. “He looks like any other kid."

“Let him go ahead,” he offered. “No, "Dude" here needs to learn to wait and play by the rules. Not everyone will be as patient as you. But thank you. I appreciate your understanding,” I replied.

We all got on the boat without further incident. Sam plugged into his laptop and all was well. Still, it made me think as I looked at the tall young man beside me. So many people we meet are very kind. Even accommodating. I appreciate each and every kindness. But what message I am sending Sam if I take advantage of those kindnesses? I risk destroying the line between entitlement and infringement.

How do we find that elusive balance? It is challenging to teach Sam to respect the rules he is capable of respecting. It is challenging to teach him to be aware of those around him. Still, that day I was reminded of the importance of learning to peacefully coexist. The world needs to bend a little for Sam, true, but Sam needs to bend a little too.

As such we will continue to answer questions other parents have long stopped asking:

How loud is too loud?

How much patience do we have a right to expect?

How much should others bend?
How much should Sam bend?

How much is too much?

And perhaps most important of all: how do we live in this world with everyone and not at the expense of everyone?

You’re turning 18, "Dude". I won't alway be around to help you navigate. There's a lot more to learn. I have faith we'll get there together.